santa’s got a brand new bag.

Okay okay okay, for years people have been trying to scare the pants off of us with demonic Santas, serial killing St Nick’s and ghoulish red hatted old men. It hasn’t ever really worked, except for maybe a huge cultish laugh factor. This year, though, the new decade is issuing a new terror that is Santa Claus. Yes, good ‘ol St. Nick is about to go on a new adventure that just might make us wet ourselves. Check out this new movie, Rare Exports: a Christmas Tale by Finland native Jalmari Helander. So, basically the story goes something like this (or from what i could gather in the trailer/synopses that I can find out there in the ether): a scientist gathers a group of men to dig deep into a mountain in Finland to find something hidden there a long time ago. What they pull out is a frozen Santa Claus. Something is thrown in about a ransom and then some major shit goes down. There’s something hidden in Santa’s eyes that makes you realize he’s got some form of evil power. Yeah, sounds pretty awful doesn’t it? Wrong, the Finnish (i guess that’s how you say it?) can do it! Or, I at least hope they can. It reminds me a lot of the Swedish Dead Snow, about a group of college kids who stumble upon some Nazi Zombies in the mountains of eastern Europe. Well, that movie kicked fucken ass, so I think this new Christmas Thriller can be even better. It doesn’t look like it takes itself too seriously, but it also doesn’t look like you’ll be constantly in tears of laughter. You will be some, no doubt about it. There are apparently psycho elves too and disappearing children. Yikes.

I’m telling you, Santa looks terrifying. I hope my expectations aren’t too high, but this Christmas romp around the deathtrap looks like it could be the best Santa Thriller yet. Definitely will be a cult classic, that is absolutely certain. You can tell just by watching the short trailer that horror freaks like myself will be all over this little puppy. And, haha, it’s foreign. They know how to do their shit, right?

Anyway, check out this ridiculous film and enjoy the trailer below.

 

The most terrifying movie trailer.

So, I was browsing imdb like I do on a regular basis and I came across something very exciting. A couple of weeks ago I heard about Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark, Guillermo Del Toro’s (writing and producing, not directing) new project. I heard the rumor that it was getting an R-rating for “pervasive scariness”. Everyone was saying the film would not be extremely violent or have any profanity, but that it would be rated “R” just because it was supposed to be that absolutely frightening. Now, the new trailer (what I found on imdb) says the film is rated “R” due to “Violence and Terror”, however it could just easily be classified as pervasively scary. So, I watched the trailer. It was fucking scary. That is all I have to say, check it out down below.

(turn the volume way up and sit in the dark for this one)

Trailer